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Humor

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Women in the Civil War
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Humor
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These jokes are all in fun and jest. No offense to be  taken.

Every True Southerner Knows...

That a tad is more than a smidgeon but less than a hair.

The difference between a hissy fit and a conniption.

To say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it (We do not like our tea unsweetened.) and "sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

That real gravy don't come from the store.

What okra is.

The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece," and that "just down the road" can be one mile or 20.

That fixin' can be used as a noun, verb or adverb.

When "by and by" is.

That grits are eaten with butter or gravy, but never with sugar.

Pretty much how many fish, collard greens or boiled peanuts make up a mess.

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

That you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 on the freeway—you say, "Bless her heart." and go on your way.

What general direction cattywumpus is.

Never to assume that car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

That "gimme some sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.

You may wear long sleeves, but you always roll 'em up past the elbows.

That cornbread is made with bacon grease and in a well-seasoned cast iron skillet.

That johnnycake is cornbread made with sugar and yellow cake mix. 

The difference between Yankees and Damn Yankees.

That we make friends standing in lines. We don't do queues, we do lines. We stand IN them, not ON them; and when we're in line, we talk to everybody.

How to handle our "pot likker" (and what "pot likker" is).

A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.

That BBQ is a noun, not a verb.

That "Yes, ma'am" or "Yes, sir" and "No, ma'am" or "No, sir" are expected responses.

How long "directly" is, as in "Going to town, be back directly."

That we never refer to one person as "y'all."

There's only two kinds of people: Southerners and people who wish they were Southerners.

A paper cup is a Dixie Cup.

The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy and trailer trash.

The best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of fried chicken and a bowl of cold potato salad. If the trouble is a real crisis, we also know to add a large banana puddin'.

How to spit without stopping the car.

That rocking chairs and porch swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

And every True Southerner knows that rocking chair or a porch swing with old person in it is a history lesson.

 

Some Advice for Yankees Moving to the South

Don't order steak at Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.

Don't laugh at Southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Bobby Joe, Mary Faye, Inez, Billy Bob, etc.) We have been known to beat a man's ass for less, especially if we got a little liquor in us.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a whuppin'. Down South it's a coke. Don't make a damn if it’s Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a coke.

Don't show allegiance to any college football team that’s not in the SEC. And to you who don't know, that would be Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Auburn, Vanderbilt, Arkansas, Kentucky, LSU, Florida, Ole Miss, Mississippi State and South Carolina. All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming.

Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a whole lot nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Red Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting,, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb because we will kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money and get the hell out of here.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everybody will instantly know you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended and don't put sugar on your grits.

Don't EVEN try to fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home. And we don't want to hear about your cheesesteaks, your subs or your pizza. We like our vittles just fine, thank you.

We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy-ass northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn.

We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go home.

Don't you ever make fun of a person for saying y'all. It is a perfectly legitimate form of Southern speech. We do not say you guys - we are not from New Jersey.

Last but not least: DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot. You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ and go home in a pine box. There are only three types of BBQ in the South: Regular BBQ, Carolina BBQ, and Memphis BBQ. All Pork! 'Nuff said.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him as "Junior." You have a 75% chance of being right.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of Pappy's and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

That winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at the movie store.

If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eatin'.

Remember: "y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

In southern churches you will hear the hymn, All Glory, Lawd and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Lawd, have mercy","Good Lawd, and "Lawdy, Lawdy, Lawdy".

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The "proper" pronunciation you learned in school is not proper down here.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

Be advised: The "He needed killin" defense is valid down here.

If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are quite possibly the last words he will ever say.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Yankee's vocabulary is the adjective, "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

Yankees can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

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SOUTHERN VOCABULARY

Ain't—is not (used by non-Southerners, but especially common in Southern speech)

Airish—cold

Bayou—marshy outlet of a lake or river; slow-moving body of water

Biggety—vain and overbearing

Bitty bit—a very small amount 

Bossman, Bosslady—head person, or person in charge

Broomsage—dry straw, wrapped and fastened together with rope to use for a house broom

Buggy—shopping cart

Buzzard, Ol' Buzzard—elderly male, usually single, who is regarded as less than desirable

Cajun—person of French Canadian descent who is native to Louisiana, the dialect of Cajun speech

Cantankerous—quarrelsome, difficult to deal with

Carry—give somebody a ride in a motor vehicle

Carry on—behave in a foolish or silly manner

Catty-cornered or Cattywampus—Cater-cornered or diagonal

Clear out—far out (They live clear out on the edge of town.)

Clodhopper—field hand or heavy work shoes

Chunk—throw, toss 

Coke—any soft drink

Coon—Raccoon

Cooter or Coot—Turtle, especially larger edible species

Cracker—Term loosely applied to native Georgians and Floridians, below White Folk, but above Trailer Trash in social status.  

Croaker sack—burlap sack, a gunny sack

Cuss—curse, also an annoying or stubborn person or animal

Cuss out—chastise with swear words

Cut —To turn on, off, up or down (Cut the light on, I can’t see anything.)

Cut the fool—joke around

Dang—Euphemism for "damn"

Directly—in a little while, soon

Dixie—Southern States of the U.S.A.

Dixiecrat—Southern Democrat known for his or her conservative views

Done—used to emphasize the occurrence of something in the past (Yes, siree, they done got married last week.)

Do-hickey—substitute name, like the terms what-cha-ma-call-it or thing-a-ma-jig

Druthers—Preferences, I’d rather (If I had my choice, If I had my druthers)

Et—Ate

Fair to middling—average, usually a response to "How are you?"

Falling out—disagreement

Fair piece—sizeable, considerable, or long distance

Feisty—touchy and quarrelsome or frisky and full of nervous energy

Figure—suppose, consider, or plan on something (I figured it would rain today.)

Fixing to—about to, or thinking about starting

Fixings—Trimmings, accessories; normally, though not necessarily referring to meals

Frog Gig—pole with a hook on the end used to spear and retrieve frogs

Gator—alligator

Goober—peanut, also a stupid person, a dolt

Goober pea—roasted peanuts

Grab aholt—grab hold of something

G'wine—going or going to

Hankering—Yen, craving

Heap—A quantity of something, especially a large quantity

Hear tell—have heard it told

Hey—hello

Hidey—hello

Hither, thither and yon—here, there and everywhere

Honey—affectionate term (used by non-Southerners, but especially common in Southern speech)

Hush Puppy—Distinctive Southern deep fried bread food

Howdy—Hello, How do you do?

I do believe—emphatic expression of one's belief

I'mon—I'm going to, as in "I'mon go home now."

If’n—if

Is all—that's all, often used at the end of a sentence to minimize, excuse, or downplay what was done (I only wanted a kiss, is all.)

Kin to—Related to

Laid up—ill, hurt, unable to work

Less’n—unless (submitted by Mike Meyers, KY)

Loaded for bear—highly prepared

Ma'am—madam, female equivalent of sir

Mess—large quantity, particularly of food (He et a whole mess of corn)

Middling—between good and bad

Mighty—very

Miss—title for an unmarried woman

Miz—Mrs., title for a married woman and used before a married woman's last name

Moon Pie—Distinctive Southern sweet snack food

Mosey—walk in a casual, leisurely or sauntering manner

Much obliged—thank you, hope to return the favor

Near bout—almost 

Nekkid—naked

No count—of no account, shoddy, worthless

Okra—distinctive Southern vegetable, usually fried

Old Man River—Mississippi River

Ornery, Ornry—cantankerous, cranky, irritable, mean, stubborn

Out of kilter—out of alignment, misadjusted

Particular—careful, selective, choosy, picky

Picture Showmovies

Piddle—waste time, do nothing

Piddlin—Small or inferior

Piddlin Around---messing around with no real purpose (He was piddlin around the garage or workshop before dinner)  

Play possum—feign pouting or sulking, play dead

Poke—sack

Poor mouth—Complain, play down, especially finances

Poorly—ailing (He was doin' poorly)

Purty—pretty, or used in place of fairly or very

Purt near—pretty near, used to indicate proximity, approximation, similarity

Quilting Bee—women of the community gather to stitch quilts by hand

Rag-baby—rag doll

Rebel Yell—war cry used by Southern soldiers during the Civil War

Recollect—Remember, recall

Reckon—think or suppose so

Right—very

Right smart—great in quality, quantity or number

Riled—angry, upset, agitated

Save—put away for safe keeping, but not money

Scalawag, Scallywag—mischievous person, scamp (originally, a Southerner acting in support of the reconstruction governments after the Civil War for private monetary purposes)

Shindig—dance, party, or celebration

Show—picture show, performance

Shuck—remove the edible parts of something, such as shucking oysters or ears of corn, by stripping them away from the inedible part

Shucks—golly, gosh

Smokehouse—enclosure with a dirt floor where pork and other meats are cured then smoked

Sorry—low or inferior quality, worthless

Southern Belle—Southern lady

Spell—period of time, a while

Spoon fed—spoiled or pampered

Spring chicken—young thing

Study, Study on—think about, contemplate

Swamp Cabbage—the heart of the sable palmetto, sautéed and seasoned with pork.; a favorite food in Florida Cracker cuisine

Tain’t—It ain’t, it isn’t

Take a notion to—decide to

Tarnation—mild expletive

The House—one's own home, frequently used whether it is a house or not

Tight—Stingy, also inebriated

Tore up—Broken, damaged, non-functional, emotionally distraught

Tote—carry

Trot line—long line on which short lines are attached, each with a hook, for catching fish

T'uther—the other

Tump—Dump, spill, turn over

Up and—used to describe an action that came about suddenly or as surprise (He up and took off before I had a chance to say good-bye.)

Vamoose—go, get out of here, also a command to get lost

Vittles—food, victuals 

Wait on—serve or assist 

Wart-Taker—one who removes warts by charms or incantations

White Lightening—moonshine whiskey

Wonkerjawed—crooked, misaligned

Worry Wart—one who worries constantly

Whup—whip, beat

Y'all—ye all

Yahoo—boorish, brutish, uncouth, rowdy or uncultured person

Yaller Dog—cowardly person 

Yam—sweet potato (Yam is the Northern equivalent to a Southerner's sweet potatoes) 

Yankee—any person from any Northern (non-Confederate) state

Yellow Dog Democrat—person who always votes for Democratic candidates

Yonder—there, usually said while indicating a direction (I live over yonder in that white house.)

Young'un—young one, infant, child

Zydeco—form of heavily syncopated folk music common to Louisiana

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Southern Sayings
 

Ain't fittin' (Not proper)

Ain't that the berries! (That's mighty fine!)

Easy as slidin' backwards off a greased log. (Easy as can be.)

Barkin' up the wrong tree. (Completely wrong.)

A whistlin' woman and a crowin' hen never comes to a good end. (Don't put on airs.)

Be like the old lady who fell out of the wagon. (You aren't in it, so don't get involved.)

Busy as a stump-tailed cow in fly season. (Extremely busy.)

Buys cotton. (Polite term for doing nothing for a living.)

Don't you doubt my word! (Don't question the truthfulness of what I said.)

Caught with your pants down. (Taken by surprise, wholly unprepared.)

Chugged full. (Full and running over.)

Do go on. (You must be kidding.)

Do Run On. (You really do brag.)

Don't bite off more'n you can chew. (Don't attempt more than you can do.)

Don't count your chickens till they hatch. (See the results first.)

Don't let the tail wag the dog. (The chief runs the show, not the Indians.)

Don't let your mouth overload your tail. (You’re talking too much.)

Fish or cut bait. (Work or make way for those who will.)

Even a blind hog finds an acorn every now and then. (Everybody is lucky sometimes.)

Every dog has a few fleas. (Nobody's perfect.)

Fly off the handle. (Become angry and lash out.)

Give down the country. (Give them a piece of your mind.)

Go hog wild. (Really enjoy or consume.)

Go off half-cocked. (Have only part of the facts.)

Go on (You’re kidding.)

Go to bed with the chickens. (Retire early at night.)

Go whole hog. (Go all out.)

Gone back on your raisin’. (Deny heritage.)

Got your feathers ruffled. (Pouting.)

Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine. (Doesn't know or care what's going on.)

Have no axe to grind. (No strong position one way or the other.)

Livin' high on the hog. (doing well financially.)

I do declare. (Can mean anything, but usually nothing.)

In a coon's age. (A long time.)

In high cotton. (doing well financially.)

In hog heaven (Ecstatic.)

Like a bump on a log. (Doing nothing, going nowhere, but conspicuous about it.)

Like a one eyed dog in a meat house. (Too much of a good thing.)

Like two peas in a pod. (Think and act alike.)

Mend fences. (Make up differences.)

Plenty early. (Get there with time to spare.)

Plum tuckered out (Exhausted.)

Pull a plank off the wall. (Celebrate.)

Scarce as hen's teeth. (Non-existent.)

Sight for sore eyes. (Looks great.)

Sittin' pretty. (Got it made.)

Slow as molasses in January. (Extremely slow.)

Stompin' grounds. (Home base, familiar territory.)

Sun don't shine on the same dog's tail all the time. (The tables will turn.)

That dog won't hunt (That proposition [or argument] won't work.)

That takes the cake! (Egregious behavior.)

There you go. (May mean to agree with or just a response with little or no meaning.)

Two shakes of a lamb's tail. (To do quickly.)

Well, shut my mouth. (I am speechless!)

Y’all come back. (Please visit us again.)

Wild as a peach orchard hog. (Wild, untamed, no manners) 

Slick as an eel. (Slippery, misleading) 

Slicker'n a greased hog. (Slippery, misleading)

Tight as a tick. (Ate too much)

Fat as a tub o’ lard. (Ate too much, gained weight)

Ol' boy's tough as whit leather. (Tough, strong-willed) 

Drunk as a coot.  (Very drunk, boisterous)

Ran like a scalded dog. (Took off running like lightening)

Ugly as homemade sin. (Darned ugly)

So dull he couldn't cut hot butter with a knife. (Dim-witted, not very smart) 

Tougher'n a one-eared alley cat. (Can stand his own ground)

Faster'n greased lightning. (Very fast)

Better’n snuff, ain't half as dusty. (Usually in reference to cigarettes/cigars, but can be used in general for something you like/prefer.) 

Limp as a dishrag. (Not feeling well, useless, lazy)

Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. (Fidgety, anxious) 

So ugly she'd run a dog off a meat wagon. (Not desirable to date/marry)

Purty as a speckled pup. (Sarcastic response to something ugly)

Done gone and got Yankee rich. (Making large sums of money either illegally or off the misery of others)

Sorry as a two dollar watch. (Cheap, lazy, useless.) 

Older than the mountains and twice as dusty. (Elderly and crotchety, cantankerous)

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You Might Be  A Yankee If...
(a parady of Jeff Foxworthy's You Might Be A Redneck If...)
 
You think barbeque means "to cook outside".
 
You think Heinz Ketchup is spicy.
 
You don't have any problems pronoucing "Worchestershire Sauce" correctly.
 
You prefer potatoes au gratin to grits at breakfast.
 
You don't know what a moon pie is.
 
You've never had grain alcohol.
 
You've never, ever eaten Okra.
 
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
 
You have no idea what a polecat is.
 
When someone tells you and off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
 
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
 
You would rather your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
 
Instead of referring to two people as "y'all", you call them "you guys" even if both of them are women.
 
You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
 
You have never planned your summer vacation around a "gun and knife show."
 
You think more money should go to scientifc research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
 
You don't have a can of WD40 somewhere around your house.
 
You don't have any hats in your house that advertise feed stores or pickup trucks.
 
The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
 
You call binoculars "opera glasses".
 
You can't spit tobacco out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
 
You don't know anyone with two first names (Joe-Bob, Billy-Bob, Bubba-Joe, etc.)
 
You don't have doilies and certainly don't know how to make one.
 
You've never been to a craft show.
 
You get freaked out when people in the subway talk to you.
 
None of your fur coats are homemade.
 
You don't know what lye soap is.
 
If every other word out of your mouth is profanity.
 
If the Stock Exchange is more exciting than "Cops."
 
You don't know what "greens and collards" are.
 
If you refer to coke or soda as "pop".
 
If you or any of your family come from the "old country" or "motherland".
 
If you refer to the four seasons as "Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction."
 
If doing doughnuts in your car on an iced-over, empty parking lot is your favorite pasttime.
 
If your wardrobe consists of goosedown and longjohns.
 
If you live in a state where the summer temperature never rises above 80F.
 
If you have more than one toboggan with busted runners.
 
If you had more than one family die from antifreeze poisoning.
 
If you don't know what mountain oysters are.
 
If you *have* and education above the 8th grade.
 
If you listen to Christmas music starting in July.
 
If putting snow chains in your tires is a normal thing for you.
 
If you don't know what a coon or possum is.

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You Might be a City Girl If..

You believed that the car was REALLY out of gas.

You've never tried a chaw of Red Man.

You've never tipped a cow because they don't work in restaurants.

You won't bait your own hook because worms are "icky".

You do all of your gardening in barrels on the patio.

You get to park your car in the garage because your husband doesn't own ANY old tractors.

You've never gotten a jar of Bag Balm as a gift.

You don't like country ham.

You've never even heard of red-eye gravy.

You know how to make quiche, and your husband actually likes it.

You think pork butts are part of a pigs ass.

You've never been to a tractor pull.

Your boyfriend took you to a tractor pull and you DIDN'T like it.

You think that wind mill in the cow pasture is there to keep the cows cool.

Your boyfriend's truck was made in Japan.

Your kids play soccer instead of baseball.

You like deer because they have pretty brown eyes.

You saw the vet preg-checking a cow and called 911.

You like cats better than coon dogs.

All of your cats live in the house.

All of your cats have names.

You think "long johns" come from the donut shop.

Your husband's lawn mower requires an extension cord.

You've never been on a hay ride.

When you hear the word "steamer" you think of the Titanic.

You've never eaten poke greens.

You think that mountain oysters are seafood from Colorado.

You have never been snipe hunting.

You think milk comes from plastic jugs.

You've never gone skinny-dipping in a creek.

The first time you ate barbecued ribs you asked how they got the food on those little sticks.

You can't find the flush lever in the outhouse!

You think the only difference between red and white corn cobs is the color.

You think "coon" is a just a cruel name for African Americans.

You called the police when you found out your boyfriend is a coon hunter.

The tires on your boyfriend's car are all the same size.

You don't know the difference between a cow and a bull.

You think the only difference between a cow and a bull is the horns.

You think that when a bull mounts a cow, he's only doing it to get a better view!

You think that cow poop smells bad.

You've never planted flowers in an old tractor tire.

You don't know that caviar is really just fish eggs.

You think John Deere was one of the Mouseketeers.

You cried when you found out where hamburgers come from.

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Redneck Medical Terms:

  • Benign........What you be after you be eight.
  • Artery...... The study of paintings.
  • Bacteria.....Back door to cafeteria.
  • Barium........What doctors do when patients die.
  • Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome.
  • CATscan....................Searching for kitty.
  • Cauterize..................Made eye contact with her.
  • Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
  • Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
  • D & C..........................Where Washington is.
  • Dilate......................... To live long.
  • Enema..........................Not a  friend.
  • Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.
  • Fibula..........................A small lie.
  • Genital.........................Non-Jewish person.
  • G.I. Series..................World Series of military baseball.
  • Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
  • Impotent.....................Distinguished, well known.
  • Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
  • Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.
  • Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid.
  • Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
  • Node.............................I knew it.
  • Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
  • Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
  • Pelvis............................Second cousin to Elvis.
  • Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
  • Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.
  • Rectum..........................Damn near killed him.
  • Secretion......................Hiding something.
  • Seizure..........................Roman emperor.
  • Tablet............................A small table.
  • Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.
  • Tumor.............................More than one.
  • Urine..............................Opposite of you're out.
  • Varicose.........................Near by/close by.

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Redneck Horoscope


OKRA
Dec 22 - Jan 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra havetremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds ofhis influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!

CHITLIN
Jan 21 - Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortabletalking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing withChitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things,and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say,you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE
Mar 21- April 20

You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to
recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key wordshere. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM
APR 21 - May 21

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency towithdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably notpsychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH
May 22 - June 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golfcourse, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractivephysically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS
June 22- July 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" oflife and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards makegood social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personallife goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save
yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH
July 24 - Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS
Aug 24 - Sept 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (GOOBERS)
Sept 24 - Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN
October 24 - Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

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The Ten Commandments of Grits

1. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
2. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits; for this is blasphemy.
3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Grits.
4. Thou shalt only use Salt, Pepper, Butter and Cheese as toppings for thy Grits.
5. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
6. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
7. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
8. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
9. Thou shalt not put sugar on thy Grits either.
10. Thou shalt not put sugar or syrup on thy Grits.

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17th South Carolina Infantry Ladie's Auxiliary

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